danny vega sucks

“I just want everyone to know that even though I may come across as stiff, I think Halloween is a bunch of fun.  Hope everyone likes my costume and remember that I am for women’s rights, except some. Happy Halloween!”

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, thousands are without power, square miles of people are evacuated from their homes, and the MTA’ Subway System has suffered unprecedented damage.  In Williamsburg, however, the real tragedy is not the likely billions of dollars of damage caused by one of the worst storm systems to ravage the area in decades, but just how bad it looked on Instagram.

Chris Weinberger, an intern for Vice magazine, commented on the storm saying, “You know, running through my filters, hitting the high contrast button, it didn’t really matter.  This was just a hideous storm.”  The feelings were echoed by residents all through the notoriously hip Bedford Ave area.  One local went streaking in the street, hoping to use the juxtaposition of his naked body to the post-tropical storm to make up for what he described as ” low pressure-induced symptom of climate change that made my eyes want to bleed.”

While the businesses of Williamsburg remained ubiquitously closed, and the areas primary source of transportation, the L subway line, remained shut down by a literally and figuratively swamped MTA, the topic on everyone’s minds was the fact that for a storm that negatively affected so many people, it sure lacked the dynamic lighting, drastic damage, and ability to be beautifully recorded by a light-capturing device.

“I think it’s a really amazing thing that the city of New York was well-prepared for this, but I can’t imagine the developed negatives from my Holga will be anything but a profound catastrophe,” lamented barista Cameron Schuler, “but hey, I’m happy the casualty count will be low, even if the number of likes I get is a bit lower.”

There’s a lot of dumb ideas in this world.  Stupid ideologies, ill-formed, contradictory belief systems, and outright inane values (see: stamp collecting), but nothing could possibly be more substanceless than veganism.  For the uninformed, and fortunately unexposed, veganism is abstaining from products made from animals so that includes meat, cheese, and any other animal product (what else is there to eat in the world?!) The worst thing about vegans is that they constantly want to shove their beliefs about what not to shove down your throat down your throat (clever, I know).

For instance, the other day, I went to a diner with a group of friends.  My hippy friend, Jordan, brought along his vegan amigo, Chris.  The waitress approached our table and asked us what we all wanted.  Sure enough, Chris’ turn rolls around and he has the gall to ask “what are your vegan options?”  Pft.  Chris, this is a diner, not a farmer’s market.  This may be a restaurant ideally committed to profitably taking customer’s wants and meeting them with marked-up food items to meet their tastes, but that doesn’t mean you need to come in here and preach the word of the Lord, Cheeseless Christ (that was killer).  We get it, Chris. You live a boring and empty life. Now eat some steak and eggs like a real man. And just so we’re clear, I don’t mean real man in a way to exclude women.  Real men and real women earn their marks by putting particular kinds of things behind their teeth and swallowing , that’s all I’m getting at.

Now, not only are vegans lame, socially-awkward evangelizers of insipid morality, they actually think, they sincerely believe, their beliefs are good for them and the world at large.  I sure do believe that some things are right and some things are wrong (I guess lol) but I’m not the kind of arrogant dogmatist who goes around making religious claims like “heart disease which is caused by animal cholesterol is the number one killer of Americans” or “all cars, trucks, planes, and other types of transportation combined account for about 13 percent of global warming emissions, whereas raising chickens, pigs, cattle, and other animals contributes to 18 percent, according to U.N. scientists.”  I got three words to refute such bold consequentialist appeals to morality “meat is good.”

The bottom line is this: I like chewing and simultaneously tasting certain kinds of things.  It feels good to me, so it’s ok.  Refute that, veganism.  Oh wait, you can’t.  That’s the thing about veganism, they try to be all hard fact-y, but when it comes down to it, nothing is really real except my own pleasure, which brings me to my next point: animal suffering.  Now, most vegans are relatively sensible (relatively less vegetative LOL) to not give a rat’s ass (great pun intended) about animals being in pain, but some of the really crazy ones think it actually matters that stupid pigs (who can barely respond to their own name) are kept in pens that are so small, their bodies “literally spill out between the bars.”  Oh yeah, just because it has a face, a nervous system, and is for all intents and purposes demonstrably as intelligent as a dog it suddenly deserves the same legal treatment and moral status. Yeah, right. Lol, morals aren’t based on rationally-derived principles, they’re based on whatever a society thinks!  Some vegans hilariously argue that because pigs exhibit behaviors that indicate they have subjective experiences of pain and live lives of misery that that must mean that buying bacon and supporting this industry is thusly immoral.  Well, once again, I can put down a vegan like so many baby cows that have never and will never  see the light of day in the veal industry: SUBJECTIVE.  Fools. You can never know with 100% certainty what it’s like to be a pig or a bat for that matter! So, who gives a cow fart about what the pig may or may not feel (but probably doesn’t because it tastes good)? No one.

We’re just people! Who appointed us to care?  No one.  Besides, if it was really so bad and obvious the government would do something about it.  It’s not like humanity has a tendency to be exploitative.  Sure, there was slavery in this country, but you know, a lot of people treated their slaves well. It’s not like people try to maximize profit at any expense when they deem a being’s status to be inferior; a lot of slaves I bet even kind of liked it. It beat being out in the wild.  And it really doesn’t even matter because slavery is about human beings, what we’re talking about here is mere animals; they’re not like people in any meaningful sense. They might as well be plants! And hell, if my argument is sound shaky, it’s not argue. I saved the best for last.

Bacon. Yummy yummy bacon.  Ok, sure, it may be approaching blatant that pigs are an ideal example of why blind meat consumption directly supports an industry predicated on animal suffering but again, let me snipe this one out of your hands, vegans: I like bacon. That’s why eating pigs is ok. Oh and don’t forget ham, pork cops, and prosciutto– the existence of all of those meat products makes treating animals like objects and raising them in horrifically unnatural and plainly inhumane conditions perfectly OK and most importantly, dirt cheap! Besides, I’m just buying it, not actually perpetrating anything myself!  It’s not like spending money has any moral connotation. It’s just currency.

In short, veganism is a stupid idea for stupid people. Also, note that a lot of vegans occasionally slip up and purchase something that is made with animal products.  Hm. Guess who’s a big hypocrite? Them.  Sorry, vegans, but I’m just not that relativistic. Veganism a dumb idea for dumb people.  It’s as simple as 1,2,3, meat is yum thus I should eat it.

Oh, and also, we need protein. Meat is the only way in known science to get protein.

Yes and no. Annoying, I know. In short, the answer is that Barack was being unambiguously ambiguous. That’s why both sides are saying it’s obvious one way or the other.

People are unwilling to accept that there actually is not a clear answer.  Here’s conservative Matthew Sheffield of Newsbusters.org commenting:

Crowley bungled the facts in attempting to save Obama from his administration’s dreadful bungling of the Libya situation. She owes the American people an apology for inserting herself into the debate in such an inappropriate and embarrassing fashion.

Here is the full Obama statement in reference to “terror” in Libya.

“No acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation, alter that character, or eclipse the light of the values that we stand for.

And Sheffield later opines:

Further review of another statement released by the White House shows that Obama did not mention “terror” at all in a second statement. If Obama truly believed it was terrorism, he likely would have inserted this.

He makes a valid point in the latter assertion.  It does seem that if the administration knew that the Libyan attacks were terror, that the statements would have been consistent in mentioning this.  Still, it does not follow necessarily that Barack did not call the attacks an act of terror just because they don’t line up.  The truth is that he didn’t explicitly state they were and he didn’t explicitly state they weren’t.  In fact, I will point out that whoever wrote the speech likely knew exactly what they were doing in constructing the speech the way they did.  They wanted to have their cake and eat it too, and in this case, due to how that sentence is set up, they can.

Speaking of cake, here’s a mundane example of how this type of thing works. Suppose  I am giving a speech about a newly discovered (at the time) cake, Red Velvet Cake, and toward the end of my address I suggest that “Cakes will never be in short supply, not as long as I am king!”    Did I say that Red Velvet Cake will never be in short supply?  Yes and no.  I didn’t explicitly state that Red Velvet Cakes will never be in short supply, but here I was giving an address on the topic of delicious Red Velvet Cakes, so it sure does seem like I would be talking about Red Velvet Cake.  Then again, why didn’t I just say exactly what I meant?

I’ll tell you why: it’s politically expedient to mince words.  The plain fact is that try all Romney might to attack him, his attack fails.  The worst you can say about Obama is that he was being politically smart be being intentionally ambiguous, and the best you can say is that he did indeed call the Libyan attacks an act of terror.  In any case, Crowley isn’t wrong nor is she right, the truth is far more boring: Obama was just a politician politicking.

It’s crystal clear if you think about what would have happened if down the road, the acts were declared not to be “acts of terror.”  Obama would have simply declared that he was merely asserting that in general “No acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation,” but that he never specifically labeled the Libyan attacks to be acts of terror, and just like that Barack simultaneously possesses and has consumed his cake.

Everyone knows that reading is good. It helps you to learn new things like words, facts, and sentences. The problem is with so many different things distracting us such as computers, phones, and appliances, it can be hard to get yourself to sit down with a “boring” old book. As a skilled reader, however, I have developed many skilled reading abilities.  I have done this very simply: by reading more.  Now, I know it can seem intimidating to read more, but I assure you, with my guidance, you will be able to read much, much more.  Do not worry if you are confused, scared, or even anxious about increasing your reading!  I read a lot and have 5 very simple strategies that will help you to take the amount of reading you’re currently doing and make that amount even greater aka reading more.

Number 5:  Have Books

One of the biggest problems that beginner readers have is not enough books.  For instance, suppose you have one of my favorite books The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and you finish reading it.  Then, what are you going to read?  The answer is very simple: one of your other books.  Make sure to have at least two books at all times.  That way, if you finish one book, there is always an additional book you can read.  Another skilled reader move is to read two books at one time.  This will keep you from getting bored of one because hey, there is still a second book you can read.

Number 4: Get an electronic reader (e-reader)

Now that you have books, you might be saying “gee, Scort, is there anyway I can lighten the load? I’m not exactly a camel.”  I feel your pain! Good news: they have figured out a way to make books easier to read and take with you places recently: electronic readers. An electronic reader is a device such as a Apple iBook that lets one read up to 99 books all on a single hard disk card.  Using this device and other devices such as the Barnes and Nobel’s “Amazon Fire “ you can literally have a library inside your pocket!  Now, personally I prefer good old fashioned books because of their smell, weight, and texture, but I will tell you this: a skilled reader in the possession of an electronic reader is someone who is pretty darn likely to read more.

Number 3: Read at a Place

A common beginner reader mistake is to try to read just anywhere.  Well, silly, you can’t just skilled read anywhere.  My friends often come up to me and say “Scort, gees, I tried to read a book yesterday, but it got all wet and the pages stuck together.” Well, this may be surprising but you cannot skilled read just anywhere, especially in a swimming pool!So, one of the first steps to reading more is finding a place to read at.  Some good places to read include: at your house, on a bench, at the theater.  Just kidding about that last one! A theater is not a place to read for skilled readers. Skilled readers read in places that are quiet, nice, and reading compatible. If you want to know a good place without thinking too hard, just look for another reader! It really is that simple. Once you join a skilled reader skilled reading you’ll know you’re at a skilled reading place.

Number 2: Get a Light

Boy, oh boy.  Now, I may be hanging out with the wrong crowd (but I doubt it), but just the other day my friend came up to me exasperated.  ”Scort, Scort! I know you are a skilled reader.  So please help me! I was in my skilled reading place skilled reading and it was very difficult to make out all the words on the pages! It was like I was blind!”  Boy, oh boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’d heard something like that I’d be able to buy me an Apple iBook electronic reader! Anyway, the problem had a simple solution: he needed to get a light.  Many people forget that when the sun goes down, it becomes very difficult to skilled read. Thankfully, in our modern age, we have lightbulbs!  Or, if you prefer, you can even use a scented candle as your light, as Mrs. Finkercorn likes to do!  So, remember, you can’t light skilled read without a reading light. 

Drumroll please….

Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum.

and the number one way to read more is….

dum dum dum.

Number 1: Read More.
That’s right!  The easiest way to read more isn’t to do all of these other things (but they all help), the easiest way is to read more is to do just that: read more.  For instance, say you’re reading, reading, reading and you think to yourself “well this is about as much as I read yesterday.  Now is a good time to stop!”  Whoa!  Put the brakes on that, bucko!  You just reached a wonderful point for a skilled reader. The point of reading more, aka the read more point.  I know what you’re thinking “but Scort, just because I have gotten to the read more point, does that mean I am reading more?”  Well, not  yet!  Once you reach this point, and this is the trick– just keep going.  The amount of time you keep going is officially more reading.  Congrats!  You’ve done it.  You thought it was so hard, but all you had to do to read more was read more.

Thanks for reading and hopefully, you hit the read more point along the journey.  If you did, I’ve got great news: you’re already reading more.